Understanding

I became a mom on Wednesday March 10, 2010 at 5:28 P.M. I can still picture in my head seeing my sweet baby boy for the first time and watching him literally take his first breath. I have never experienced anything like that in my life. It was a beautiful miracle. How is it that you are completely overwhelmed with so much love for someone you have just met? I guess it is just one of life's little mysteries.  He just turned 17 months last week and he is a busy active toddler.  But my mind always drifts back to when he was just a few hours old and that first nursing or when Randy was taking him back to the nursery so we could get a little sleep and he acted like he was choking and Randy and I both freaked out. Or our first night at home when all he wanted to do was nurse and he slept in his swing and I on the couch. Which I ended up sleeping on the couch for the first month of his life. Me and him.  I remember thinking to myself this little baby is laying on my chest every night sleeping and one day he is going to be a grown man and I can tell him how the first month of his life he would only sleep on someones chest.  These are all moments that I never want to forget.  They are just very raw and true.

I finally understand what my own parents felt and thought.  Everyday it becomes more and more clear to me how much they sacrificed and how there had to have been times when they were so angry, disappointed, happy or even hurt.  I know that my heart aches when I can't make Nate feel better.  I feel completely helpless.  The understanding that I now have comes with complete gratefulness for my parents! I guess growing up as a kid you always think 'yea whatever mom or dad' or 'why in the world would you do or say that?' I finally get it! All those things were because they were doing the best they could with what was in their hearts.  It was all out of love.  That unexplainable love that I know they felt the first time they saw me. I know there is no perfect 'Mom' or 'Dad'.  And I struggle with this because I wanna be perfect for Nate. I want him to know no pain or hurt but I also know that if he is going to grow into a strong man then he has to live.  And with living comes the pain and hurt but there is also happiness!!  I just want to make sure I  let my parents know every time I get the chance that I am thankful for them and all their hard work and sacrifice to raise me to be the woman I am today! And to always make sure that I am the 'best Mom' I can be for Nate! Because at the end of the day that is my sole purpose in life! I know that without a doubt! And if I always strive for that then that is where my happiness lies!!