Believe

My grandmother (dad's mom) died in October of 1999. She and I were very close! I would go and stay 4 or 5 days at a time with her and never really wanted to come home!! She had such a sweet personality! We would stay up late just talking about everything you could think of! And you would never starve at her house! She was feeding you from the time you walked in her house till the time you walked out! She had a good bit of health problems.  We took her out for her birthday on a Monday night that October.  The whole family went.  I beat myself up for a long time after her death because I really didn't talk to her that much and that was the last time I saw her alive.  On that Friday morning of the same week she suffered a massive stroke and never came out of her coma.  The night before her funeral I had a dream that I was sitting on her couch and she was sitting in my pawpaw's chair and nothing was ever said till she looked at me and smiled and said I'm ok.  I can still remember that dream to this day.  I got up that morning and told my dad about it. I hope that it consoled him.  It seemed to console me.  I BELIEVE with all my heart that was her way of letting all of us know that she was in heaven and in no more pain.  The day of her funeral was a rough day for me.  I just lost it after I sat down from viewing her body for the last time. It was just so final.

 So now I can fast forward to right before I was getting married and for some reason I just got REALLY mad.  Actually ANGRY! She hadn't been here for all the milestones of my adult life and it just made me so mad.  Then I thought back to that dream and realized even though she wasn't here to be with me she is still looking down on me but I guess the selfish part of me wanted her here on Earth. But I know that she is in no more pain and is waiting on the day she can see all of us again! So now I will fast forward some more.  I found out I was pregnant with Nate on Friday July 17, 2009. I was so happy! I can't describe the feelings I felt! So they gave me a due date of March 15, 2010 on my first doctor visit! From that day forward my dad was very adamant it would be March 10th! His birthday! It sort of became a joke! I had a pretty healthy pregnancy. I had a few little scares but they were all normal but being I had never done this before it scared the mess out of me! So at the end of February I went for my weekly checkup (at this point I was going every Monday to the doctor) and my blood pressure was a little elevated and had some protein in my urine so she decided I needed to start my maternity leave two weeks early! When I went back the next Monday my blood pressure was still elevated so she said let me go look at the schedule for when I can induce you because I don't really want you to go to your due date! So she went out and came back in and said I'm gonna put you in to induce on next week Wednesday March 10th! Oh my dad was so happy! He kept saying I told you so!! So I went back on that next Monday and everything was still a go for Wednesday.  Got my papers and instructions! So on Wednesday March 10th at 6:00 we arrived at the hospital and had an all day wait till 5:28 and then he came into our world so perfect.  I have never seen any baby that was as perfect as he was! I remember thinking sometime during the day or it may have even been after he was born that I now had something in common with my grandmother.  Fifty-one years earlier she had given birth to her first son.  No one else may understand it but it was a way for me to connect with her.  I miss her more than I will ever be able to tell anyone.  I know I will get to see her again soon and I know it probably won't all matter once I get there but oh the things I will want to tell her! But as I am writing this I am tearing up because I just want to share my son with her.  She loved babies and I know she would have just eaten him up but I just have to stop and tell myself she is in a better place and one day I will get to share him with her and I honestly can't wait! How sweet it will be!

Understanding

I became a mom on Wednesday March 10, 2010 at 5:28 P.M. I can still picture in my head seeing my sweet baby boy for the first time and watching him literally take his first breath. I have never experienced anything like that in my life. It was a beautiful miracle. How is it that you are completely overwhelmed with so much love for someone you have just met? I guess it is just one of life's little mysteries.  He just turned 17 months last week and he is a busy active toddler.  But my mind always drifts back to when he was just a few hours old and that first nursing or when Randy was taking him back to the nursery so we could get a little sleep and he acted like he was choking and Randy and I both freaked out. Or our first night at home when all he wanted to do was nurse and he slept in his swing and I on the couch. Which I ended up sleeping on the couch for the first month of his life. Me and him.  I remember thinking to myself this little baby is laying on my chest every night sleeping and one day he is going to be a grown man and I can tell him how the first month of his life he would only sleep on someones chest.  These are all moments that I never want to forget.  They are just very raw and true.

I finally understand what my own parents felt and thought.  Everyday it becomes more and more clear to me how much they sacrificed and how there had to have been times when they were so angry, disappointed, happy or even hurt.  I know that my heart aches when I can't make Nate feel better.  I feel completely helpless.  The understanding that I now have comes with complete gratefulness for my parents! I guess growing up as a kid you always think 'yea whatever mom or dad' or 'why in the world would you do or say that?' I finally get it! All those things were because they were doing the best they could with what was in their hearts.  It was all out of love.  That unexplainable love that I know they felt the first time they saw me. I know there is no perfect 'Mom' or 'Dad'.  And I struggle with this because I wanna be perfect for Nate. I want him to know no pain or hurt but I also know that if he is going to grow into a strong man then he has to live.  And with living comes the pain and hurt but there is also happiness!!  I just want to make sure I  let my parents know every time I get the chance that I am thankful for them and all their hard work and sacrifice to raise me to be the woman I am today! And to always make sure that I am the 'best Mom' I can be for Nate! Because at the end of the day that is my sole purpose in life! I know that without a doubt! And if I always strive for that then that is where my happiness lies!!

Content

Yesterday I went to a different Sunday School class and they were just finishing up a course on Hebrews.  But one of the questions that was asked was Are you content? It was sort of going along the lines with the economy and basically just life in general.  I do believe that God placed me in that room yesterday just to hear that question because it really got me to thinking.  Am I really content with my life?  We should all be content with just what we have.  Because God provides just what we need.  It seems like that we as human beings WANT more and are never really content with just what we have.  But we should all count our blessings! ALL OF THEM!   I have a handsome, hard-working husband, a beautiful, healthy little boy, a roof over my head, clothes for my body, a job that helps support my family and most of all I have a support system.  What more could one need? My answer is yes I am content with my life but just like most people there is always that WANT.  My challenge to myself is to throw out the WANTS and be content that God has provided my NEEDS.